Parenting Series: Sanctimommy

 Sanctimommy

Merriam Webster's Definition: "a mother who points out perceived faults in the parenting of others" The Mommy Wars have been fought since the beginning of parenthood, but they've only become relevant and of interest to me as I now find myself in a position to be judged.  Don't get me wrong, I was a sanctimommy long before I even had children but I'm sure learning to slow down before I pass judgment on other mommies. Being a parent is such a difficult role, why do we react so judgmentally towards others?  There are thousands of parenting books stuffed with theories and suggestions on how to raise happy, healthy children.  I've read suggestions I've applied and love and I've read suggestions that I think are horrible. I've had to eat my words and use trial and error to guide my way through this daunting parenting trip. We may think we have the answers, but there are a lot of ways to raise a child. Every parent breaks rules...or has some area of weakness.  For some it might be, letting your baby go to bed with a bottle...or giving them solids before 4-6 mos...or letting toddlers stay up late...or letting your kids play mature video games....or leaving your kids in the car while you run in the store.  Some are clearly worse than others. Here's a chart covering parenting behavior that is most likely to be judged according to a poll on The Today Show: We use other parents as bench marks for our parenting skills.  How am I doing?  Am I inadequate?  Am I doing enough?  As long as you are plugged in as a parent and trying to make the best decisions for your kids you are doing GREAT! I think I'm a damn good mom.  I shouldn't say "damn" though.  There's a reason my five year old said, "Where's my damn milk?" after he couldn't remember where he sat it this week.  We'll just say it's due to the hubs colorful vocabulary. :) I'm not perfect though and if I've made one mistake, I've made a hundred.  Just today, I fell asleep while the kids roamed the house on their own.  After a 45 minute nap, I woke up to find them playing video games on the wii and acting angelic.  As I started to sit on the couch, I saw them.  5 silver wrappers.  My kids consumed FIVE packages of pop tarts while I napped.  How on earth does one (or in this case, 2) eat that many pop tarts?!!! I just bought that box too! I made them turn off the wii and spend the rest of the evening without video games. So, yes, each of us will make mistakes as we go along, but we can still try to resist the urge to judge other mommies.  It's not a contest.

Parenting Series--Sleeping Arrangements

"Hey, mom...you're kind of fat." -H, age 6. 

Today, I want to talk about Parenting.  This is some crazy stuff, yo.  It's not for the weak or the selfish.  It's not for someone who likes money or quiet time or sleep.  Being a decent parent is hard work and it's a lot of trial and error.  It's stressful too because you don't want to screw up another human being for the rest of his/her life.  You don't want them to be 30 something, blaming you for their inadequacies, while they munch on Doritos and pizza rolls and play video games in your basement.  " I don't have a basement," you argue.  But you know. You know what I mean.  This post is the first of a series about parenting choices/decisions specifically regarding sleeping arrangements.

I always imagined that I would be a strict parent.  Basically, authoritarian.  It's my way or the highway sort of parenting, but boy, was I wrong!  The hubs is way more likely to use that method.  I guess I have more of a democratic type approach.  In general, people always advise, "Be their parent, not their friend."  While I agree with this, it's important to maintain an empathetic emotional connection with your children.  I let them have a voice.  I let them tell me what they are thinking and how they feel.  I still get the ultimate say.  I would say that I'm their parent first, their friend second.  As a communication instructor, I'm constantly aware of communication's effect on relationships and I hope they are comfortable sharing almost anything with me...from, "hey, mom..do I still have poop on my butt?" (hopefully, this question is only while they are under 8) to "hey, mom...there's a new girl at school, I really like."  Sometimes they have stuff to say that I don't want to hear, but I want them to share it with me...because it shows me who they are and how I need to guide them.

For the most part, I feel happy with the decisions we have made so far regarding parenting, but there's always room for constructive analysis and concern.  First, it's hard for the hubs and I to agree on parenting all the time.  We both have different ideas on what to do and what works best.  For example, sleeping arrangements.  Sleep is a difficult issue for so many parents.  When babies are first learning the bedtime ritual, it's important to put them on a very strict schedule.  Bath, lotion, jammies, bedtime story, lamp on, hugs & kisses, tucked in bed, go to sleep in your own crib/bed. Neither of my boys liked sleeping on their backs, which is what is recommended for the first several months because of SIDS concerns.  So, here we were as parents..sleep deprived and scared to death because the only way our kids would sleep soundly was on their tummies. It was terrifying. 

H liked to be rocked to sleep and C preferred to be placed in his crib so he could put himself to sleep.  As soon as they were in their own beds (not a crib) they would get up in the middle of the night and join us in our bed.  My hubs is NOT a fan of having a family bed. I love having their little warms bodies snuggled up next to me.  I love when they reach out and pat me or feel my face.  I love their little sleepy slurs of, "I love you, mommy." I'm okay with the fact that they start in their own beds and join us if they get scared or wake up in the middle of the night.  Granted, I do occasionally wake up with a foot in my face or a body draped across me or with no blankets on me. There's a downside but the positives far outweigh it in my opinion. H is 6 and C is 5 and they still come to our bed on most nights.  Occasionally, they will sleep in their own beds and I will praise them.  I know that they won't sleep in our bed forever and that I will miss having all of us in the same bed on weekend mornings.

Part 2: Parenting decisions coming soon